She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
