Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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