The answer is no. Its an illegal search n seizure!
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
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