Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
