At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
