oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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