My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
