who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
