I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
