I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
