I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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