My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I think your dad took our porno
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
