are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
