I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
