I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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