where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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