there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
