Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
