i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Randomize
