you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Randomize
