I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
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