I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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