Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
