the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
