no one should ever give us hovercrafts
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
