Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
