I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
