We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
