So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
