awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
im six kinds of drunk right now
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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