Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
