Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
as a side note pls kill me
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
