so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
