Your dad touched me again.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
