Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
