it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
