he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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