youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
