If i come over, it means nothing
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
