i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
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