shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
