im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
