I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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