I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
50% drunk capacity currently
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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