I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
