I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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