I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
