Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
