My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
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