It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
