i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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