I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize