I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
You took a bar mat shot.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
