I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
