No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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